My life for years was structured around trying to “fix” myself.
There was the meditation (or I would binge).
There was the sugar-free diet plan (or I would binge).
There was the inspirational book reading (or I would binge).
My life was a constant cycle of to-do’s meant to keep me safe from myself.
…but that was the problem.
Hidden inside each ritual, routine, and practice was the underlying belief that I was untrustworthy and broken.
My desperate need to “self-help” was keeping me from my actual SELF.
The SELF that I hated because she was “too fat”.
The SELF that I loathed because she couldn’t stop eating.
The SELF I saw as weird, socially awkward, and stupid.
…that was what I saw when I saw myself.
Of course, there was so much more, but I had to fall in love with the girl I saw as a fat, weird, binge eater.
And once I fell in love with her?
I fell in love with my binge eating.
I fell in love with my food obsession.
I fell in love with my thoughts about being socially awkward and stupid.
…and from there I could EXPLORE rather than judge.
EVERYTHING was for the purpose of knowing myself better.
I slowed down in the moments of binge eating rather than fighting it.
I said goodbye to dieting, meditation, exercise, and self-help books.
I rebelled against anything or anyone that saw me as broken.
And I lived as though I were whole.
I’ve fallen in love with yoga and meditation purely for the self-exploration – not for the fixing.
I live binge-free because I don’t see binges (or FOOD for that matter) as “bad” or “good”.
I read for pure pleasure and the thrill of growth.
I’m not saying you need to give up ANYTHING…but are your rituals and routines SHOULDS or JOYS?
Is it an expression of FEAR or LOVE?
Are you FIXING or EXPLORING?